


listen before i go; lmh

by arrowthroughtheheart



Series: song-fics [2]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Mentioned Stray Kids Ensemble, No Fluff, No Romance, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-17
Updated: 2019-04-17
Packaged: 2020-01-15 11:21:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18497920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arrowthroughtheheart/pseuds/arrowthroughtheheart
Summary: I wanna see the world when I stop breathing, turnin' blue.





	listen before i go; lmh

**Author's Note:**

> a few disclaimers before yall began; if u read the tags, yk there will be suicide-related things in this fic, and if you're easily triggered by those things, don't push yourself. stay safe, okay?  
> also this is pure fiction, exc for the fact that  
> THIS FIC IS SUPPOSED TO BE SET IN THE SURVIVAL SHOW ERA,but i mean no harm to stray kids, lee minho and any of their families or friends. this is just what came to mind when i heard billie eilish's "listen before i go", which i recommend for all of you to listen while reading.  
> i do not romanticize suicide. it breaks other people you leave behind, and if that's your drive to take your own life, don't. this story goes with the song, i just let it bloom like a little flower.  
> anyways, the fic;

_Take me to the rooftop_ _  
_ _I wanna see the world when I stop breathing, turnin' blue_

Minho feels like he can’t breath. He knows he’s supposed to, it being the basics of human needs to live and continue being themselves. But he feels like he’s that much of a loser for failing how to breath. He hates himself for it.

Maybe this is what they saw in him, was it?

Failure. He fails on every single thing he’s supposed to do right in life, and it’s not helping that other people he work with and observe all the time tries their best. And they improved. Oh, they improved a lot. And himself?

A loser.

 

 _Tell me love is endless, don't be so pretentious_ _  
_ _Leave me like you do (Like you do)_

His members don’t have a part in making him feel this horrible, of course; they’ve only done things that they think would help Minho. They love him too much to say anything honest to his face, but Minho knows better.

He knows how to see through their tired faces, their heart-warming smiles, and their silent noises of disapproval.

They’d stop him from continuing with his deadly thoughts, but that’s about it.

They can’t say anything else.

It’s because everything Minho thinks of himself is true and they can’t deny it. He’s a helpless case, to be honest, and him staying with the other 8 is just going to drag them down.

 

 _If you need me, wanna see me_ _  
_ _Better hurry 'cause I'm leavin' soon_

But this one time; it’s just a wake up call for Minho.

This one time concludes all of his dark thoughts all-together, giving him a bright and clear ‘Yes’ sign for everything he has been thinking of. He knows he needs to fight it, but to be honest- after this, what else is left for him?

“Minho, _it’s not because you’re bad, okay_?”

_“You’re just very new. We’re going to give you more time to practise, okay?”_

 

“Yes. I understand.”

As if.

Why do they care if Minho feels horrible? Why do they care if their decisions push him further and further into the darkest pit of abyss that he tried so hard going out of? They don’t care. All they care about is how to make him stay, because even though he’s not ready _now_ , they know he’s going to be useful for them later on.

They don’t care.

They just pretend that they do.

Still, Minho can’t help but look up at his friends, screaming for help from behind his teary-eyes, wishing for them to look back at him and see how important this is for him.

But they’re all blinded, their sights fogged up and covered by their own tears from Minho’s supposed departure, even though he’s still here with them, crying and shaking in their arms.

Minho frowns, trying his best to push them off with a smile.

They don’t have to be worried because of him.

“I’m sorry, Chan,” he whispers when the older leans in to hug him, and the sentence made Chan frown. “No, no. Why sorry? Don’t be sorry,” he sighs when Minho melts into his hug, his tiny sobs resurfacing. _“I’m sorry.”_

 

 _Sorry can't save me now_ _  
_ _Sorry I don't know how_

Minho vividly remembers how tense his friends’ faces were, how Changbin held his hand tightly, not giving him a chance to cry with that usual stern look on his face; but Minho knew better. He knows what was going through Changbin’s mind, how scared and vulnerable he actually was knowing that Minho was about to be eliminated under his watch. Minho knows how scared and disappointed Felix was at the older’s mistake, and he knows Felix was the first one to break out of their shells when they talked to him about it.

“ _Hyung_ ,” Felix’s voice was shaking with confusion and he’s choking on his tears. “Why did you do that?”

That was a nice question, Minho thought to himself a while after he himself was done crying about his elimination. A nice question doesn’t mean it’s a question Minho can answer, though. Felix always had his way with words, and upon hearing them Minho will feel _things._ He was not trying to feel things back then, he was trying to stop his own thoughts from killing each other first.

So he answered with nothing. He answered with his very own version of his tears, silently crying while looking at the ground.

He doesn’t want Felix to feel guilty. Minho knew he said that out of spite, since the younger liked him that much.

But he can’t drag them into his own dark, twisted, mind.

 

_Sorry there's no way out (Sorry)_

Minho was not able to decipher whose hand was on his back, patting him to try to calm him down, or who was grabbing his shoulder into a hug, or which of them who was sobbing behind him quietly so he can’t see, or the ones that didn’t cry. They were all in a white blur, reminding Minho of the overwhelming pain that specific situation caused upon him.

 

_But down_

Down the stairs Minho went, away from the source of the sadness that was vibrating in the atmosphere around them, away from the stage where the stage-lights were still pouring its way too bright power even without anyone’s request.

The further away from Stray Kids he could go, he would.

He would never drag them-

 

_Hmm, down_

* * *

 

_Taste me, the salty tears on my cheek_

Minho used to love the sea. Loved how the air smells like the salty tears dripping down to his cheeks, staining them when he has a hard time; reminding him that he could possibly be _not_ alone, for the sea has more than a million nights of his tears collected in them. Maybe he’s not desperate alone.

But that was in the past.

He has no idea why he found comfort in other people’s pain. He shouldn’t have. He should’ve wished for everyone else’s happiness, let him drown himself in his tiny lake of tears without anyone else to have a chance to taste his misery. He should’ve wished for the sea to loose its taste.

But the sea; the sea is way too big for Minho’s hopes and dreams.

 

_That's what a year-long headache does to you_

It was a year ago, when Minho last visited the sea. He did it with his mother, and she ended up crying because she saw how hard it was for Minho. He thought that it was his fault. He should’ve covered up better. He should’ve smiled, waiting for her to return back home so that he wouldn’t be held in her arms.

That way, he was supposed to never meet his friends.

That way, he was supposed to succeed on drowning together with the misery of the sea.

Because the sea; the sea is _not_ big enough to collect all of his sorrows and tears.

 

 _I'm not okay, I feel so scattered_ _  
_ _Don't say I'm all that matters_

Minho’s phone buzzes with another call notification, his hand gripping them tightly inside his jeans’ pocket. It feels cold and dead, but it’s still buzzing mercilessly. Just like his beating heart.

Isn’t it?

Isn’t it cold, and dead, but it’s still working just because it has to? Minho wants it to stop. He doesn’t want his heart to have to go through what he does. He’s not as cruel as whatever entity is up there, knowing exactly how miserable he is but still not finishing his life yet.

His mother’s worried face is very apparent in the back of his eyelid. But Minho will not back down now. The waves crashing to his feet is cold, much like the palm of his hands. _Stop calling,_ he heard a voice in his empty brain. _I’m already dead, don’t you know that?_

 

_Leave me, déjà vu_

Minho takes his phone out, sighing at how the contact of the phone’s screen with his hand doesn’t drown the coldness out, only multiplying it without mercy.

Doesn’t matter.

Soon enough, the cold will drown his pain away, and he can finally sleep forever.

He never minded a little bit of cold, anyways.

Minho took a deep breath, turning on the voice recording on his phone before sitting on the seashore, looking up at the star-less sky. It looks lonely, it looks dark. It reminds him of his elimination day a few weeks ago, where his eyes fogged up when he was announced to be cut off, looking at the empty lines of chairs behind the cameras.

He never got the chance to see people’s admiring eyes. Or their shrieks of excitement.

Minho never thought that his dreams would just come crashing down on him this way, but it all felt familiar.

Was the sea inviting him?

The voice recording was already on 30 seconds ago, and Minho glances at his phone, put away from the place where the sea’s remnants would be able to get a grasp on it. He wants people to know he’s okay. He needs them to know that he’s fine now. More fine than he’ll ever be, alive, breathing, and above water.

 

“Um… I’m not sure who _exactly_ will be the person who finds this, but-”

 

 _Call my friends and tell them that I love them_  
_And I'll miss them_  
_But I'm not sorry_

 

“Call my friends and tell them that I love them,  
and I'll miss them...  
Sorry."

* * *

 

 

Hyunjin glances up from his phone, grinning from one cheek to the other when he sees Felix entering their practice room, realizing the fact that everyone else follows his goofy smile.

There was a slight sound of argument outside the now closed door, and Jisung nudges Felix to ask what it was all about. “Don’t know. Channie- _hyung_ was talking to our CEO, and he’s-”

Their conversation was cut short by Chan’s agonizing scream, followed with his broken sobs right after.

The rest of them ran outside as quick as they can, eyes wide when they found Chan sobbing on the floor with Park Jinyoung standing beside him, his face gloomy and filled with regret. Jisung goes back into the practice room, not wanting to hear what this is about. Changbin follows right after, their heart already in pain from seeing their older brother they look up to so much _this_ broken.

They can sense things they don’t want to sense, and it made Jisung slouch down on the floor in front of the mirror. The door cracked open enough for them to listen to what actually happened, but their thumping hearts aren’t actually helping.

Woojin rushes to Chan’s side, trying to calm him down when other practice room doors are opening too, their friends spilling out of each room to approach the scene slowly.

 

“M-Minho…”

 

Woojin’s eyes widened for a moment, his brain engines working as fast as it possibly can before it crashes down to one, _impossible_ conclusion. Chan pushes his face towards the older’s chest, continuing to cry like a baby.

He’s not used to this. He’s used to covering it up, not wanting anyone to see him break down. But right now, in front of confused eyes and the one who brought the news to him; he could not care less.

Woojin’s face scrunches up, and Chan can hear his heartbeats beating faster before he repeats the same thing Chan mumbled to him. _“Minho?”_

“What, who’s wrong with Minho- _hyung_ ?” Felix asked, and Jeongin fixed his question for him while clinging to the older’s arm. “W-what’s wrong with… Minho- _hyung_?”

Woojin grabs the phone away from Chan’s hand, the leader clutching the thing close to his chest and not planning on letting go. Minho’s phone.

Hyunjin hums in confusion, his already anxious mind not able to pick up any of the clues being dropped by the two crying older-members in front of them. Seungmin grabs the phone instead, looking down at the last recording that ended a few seconds ago, presumably the thing that made Chan cry this way.

He hits play.

 

 _If you need me, wanna see me_  
_You better hurry, I'm leavin' soon_  
  
_Sorry can't save me now_

_._

_Call my friends and tell them that I love them_  
_And I'll miss them_  
_Sorry._

“I… I’m sorry. I really am.”

**Author's Note:**

> if ur feeling even slightly sad pls remember that i love youuuuuuu!!!1!1!1!1! wake me up in the middle of the night idc bitch i dont want to see yall sad>:(
> 
>  
> 
> ps. chan and his boys do too, i'm sure. wouldn't you want to return stray kids' love?:(❤

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [there's no way out (sorry)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18702631) by [lovnelymoon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovnelymoon/pseuds/lovnelymoon)




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